Who Taught You That?

Published on: 3rd April 2026

At some point, without quite noticing, most of us absorbed a set of rules.

Don’t be too loud.
Don’t be too needy.
Be smaller.
Be grateful.
Don’t make a fuss.
Be the strong one.
Be the pretty one.
Be the clever one.
Be the easy one.

The question is not whether you have these rules.

The question is: who taught you them?

Because very few of our core beliefs were formed in isolation.

The Stories We Inherit

In cognitive behavioural therapy, we talk about core beliefs - the deep, often unconscious convictions we hold about ourselves, others and the world. “I’m not good enough.” “I’m too much.” “I’m unlovable.” These beliefs rarely appear overnight. They are shaped slowly, relationally.

In person-centred theory, Carl Rogers described the idea of conditions of worth. When love, approval or belonging are made conditional, even subtly, we begin to adapt. We learn which parts of ourselves are welcome and which parts are not.

If you were praised for being easy, you may have learned to suppress your needs.
If you were criticised for your body, you may have learned it was a problem to solve.
If you were only noticed when you achieved, you may have learned your value was performance-based.

None of this makes you weak. It makes you human.

Social Learning Is Powerful

Psychologist Albert Bandura proposed that we learn not only through direct experience, but through observation. We absorb messages from parents, teachers, peers, culture, media.

If you grew up watching women shrink themselves in rooms full of men, you may have learned that taking up space is dangerous.

If you grew up hearing jokes about “letting yourself go”, you may have learned that ageing or weight gain equals failure.

If your emotions were met with discomfort, you may have learned that feelings are burdensome.

The danger is not that we learned these lessons. The danger is that we mistake them for truth.

Internal Voices Often Have External Origins

When clients tell me, “I’m just really hard on myself,” I’m often curious.

Whose voice is that?

Is it yours? Or does it sound suspiciously like a parent? A teacher? A partner? A culture steeped in comparison and productivity?

Self-criticism often masquerades as self-awareness. But harshness is rarely neutral. It usually has a history.

This is not about blame. It is about clarity.

Because when you can see that a belief was taught, you can also question it.

Reflection

Pause for a moment and consider:

• Who first taught you that you were “too much” or “not enough”?
• What was happening around you at the time?
• Who benefited from you believing that?
• Does that belief still protect you or does it now restrict you?

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is gently ask: Is this actually mine?

Therapy is not about rewriting your past. It is about examining the messages you inherited and deciding which ones deserve to stay.

Not everything you were taught was wrong. But not everything you were taught was right, either.

And you are allowed to choose differently now.

If you are struggling, you do not have to carry this alone. I am here to offer support, and we can work through this together at your pace.

And if I sound like someone you’d like to talk to, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

Warmly,
Sarah

Integrative Psychotherapist offering online therapy across the UK